Late night ramblings

I don't know. It's 11:30 and I didn't sleep enough last night. My shoulders sting from sunburn and my eyes are tired. I should be asleep. But I'm not! Ha! Take that!

I just have a lot on my mind. Well, it's really just one thing: school. You see, halfway through the summer I decided that instead of going into sociology, as much as I enjoy the subject, what I really want to do with my life is become a veterinarian. This will involve a huge shift. A shift from my thoughtful liberal arts courses filled with discussion and moderate reading to a very science centric course of studies. After all, I'm basically looking to go to med school, but with animals. I know already these courses will be rigorous and require time and stone cold memorization. While I can learn that way, it's a change. A big change.

And I know I'm not dumb. I know I can do science. I did it in high school quite well. My Biology teachers were actually disappointed that the school was unwilling to move me up to honors Biology. It's a subject that I enjoy too these days; I spent a lot of high school believing that science was interfering with God's work and not to be trusted. My attitude about the universe has changed since then. I've moved away from belief in spirituality, and I'm beginning to realize that the process of learning about the way our word works and the way organisms interact and adapt to it is, to put it bluntly, fucking cool.

But that doesn't change the fact that it's been a long time since I've had to work this hard. It's been a long time since I've experienced this much change. I've changed a lot over the past year, and I'm excited about the person I'm becoming and the experiences I'm having, but that doesn't stop me from being terrified. It doesn't erase the lifetime of people telling me that being a vet is hard, science is hard, you're just not good at this stuff. It doesn't erase the genuine shock that people show when I tell them that I'm studying Biology. I don't know if the shock is because I'm a woman or because I just don't seem like the type. It could be both. Either way I don't appreciate it; it only makes me doubt myself a little more.

And that's half the problem. I can't stop doubting myself. What if I can't do math? What if my GPA drops? What if I can't even get into vet school? What if I do well, get into vet school, complete that degree, and then I can't find a fucking job? Not to mention all my other concerns about life, like how I'm going to afford my books, my car, my birth control, my tuition, my student loans, my clothes, my everything else. It's all in the back of my head. All the time. I think too much and then I get scared.

At least my parents and boyfriend are supportive of me. I know nobody really reads this, I just need to get it out there. Maybe if I can get the thoughts out of my head I can relax a little before school starts. Wish me luck.